Crap mainstream/designers roundup

I have a penchant for mainstreams, but still...

(sorry, no bottle pics - just this for all)

In Leather Man by Etienne Aigner (2003)

In Leather Man by Aigner is hands down the worst leather fragrance I’ve ever tried. Even taking into account the really cheap price, for me it is still just desperately obnoxious, and completely unworthy any price. It opens with a harsh, extremely artificial nondescript smell which I think should be aimed at evoking leather, while it clumsily smells more like a car under the sun – not a particularly rusty or dirty one, just a normal car with that really boring smell of plastic, metal, rubber, cheap imitation leather. I think I get some musk, some components similar to what other manufacturers know better how to use for leather accords, and something ambery; it may sound decent, but the result is just a disaster for me. It’s not leather – actually for me this is really nothing at all. The drydown arrives quickly, light and sweaty. Until now I used to consider as the “worst leather fragrances” the ones which just uncreatively reiterate the same usual aromachemicals (e.g. suederal, safraleine ecc.), but at least, they smell “leather”. This smells just nauseating nonsense for me. If you want to stick to this brand (God knows why) I recall Aigner Black being a little more decent and more similar to an actual leather scent.

4/10

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1000 Miglia for Men by Chopard (2013)

The composition seemed interesting to me, especially that promising “asphalt-suede” combo, so I approached this with slightly more enthusiasm than usual, although I am not really a fan of Chopard fragrances, and well, I was wrong – in being slightly more enthusiastic than usual, I mean. Utter cheapness and boredom in a bottle. The opening comprises mostly a contemporary aromatic fougère bone structure of wood, lavender, citrus scented with tobacco, some subtle smell of coffee, a dusty-sweet feel (amber and violet) and a little sad suede aromachemical lying in the shame corner. 1000 miglia reminds me of a cheaper, subtler, more boring version of woody-coffee scents like Rochas Man crossed with Lanvin’s Arpège pour Homme and similar “violet woodyambers”; just more generic, with more lavender, more (depressingly synthetic) wood, a bit more zest, a hint of green. Basically a dull, slightly confused and more generic version of both (or similar ones) with a persistent sort of soapy-musky-woody feel drowned in plastic. Tragically uninspired, too cheap to be at least “mediocrely refined”, one of those scents you have to sniff constantly to remind how they smell, and probably regret having bought them. Plenty of better options for this non-genre.

5/10

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Eternity for Men by Calvin Klein (1990)

Desperately bad on every level. Basically a musky citrus-lavender fragrance smelling like a fizzy warm burp after drinking cheap Limoncello. Deadly everlasting persistence. Gross and discomforting.

4/10

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Dunhill Black by Alfred Dunhill (2008)

A really bland and sharp woody-violet fragrance mostly built on musky notes, synthetic cedar, something slightly fruity reminding me of blackcurrant, a subtle minty head accord and not much else. Nothing “black” for sure, the mood is rather bright and cold. Tons of other similar designers come to mind, but while most of them at least try to smell different, Black instead feels so lazily generic it almost smells like an archetype of woody-violet fragrances. The strong feel of harsh synthetic cheapness doesn’t really help – adding the “unpleasant” to the “boring” factor.

5/10

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Agua de Loewe by Loewe (2000)

I’ve tried hard to be patient and wait the obnoxious opening to change into something more agreeable, but I really can’t. I mean, I did, but just for your information – it is not really worth it. I don’t believe that much in “skin chemistry” variations but I guess I should start to, because unlike other reviewers experienced, the first minutes of Agua de Loewe are hideous on me. A painful journey through a horrific harsh accord of heavily pungent and synthetic citrus notes, something oddly spicy-nutty, something musky-watery-stale and a really unpleasant whiff of orange, vanilla and maybe sandalwood, adding a hint of nauseous aromatic warmth to that screechy mess. These latter notes would be even nice themselves, but it’s like smelling a slice of pie while you are in the middle of a stomach flu. Loud, plastic – “wrong”, shortly. And bloody haunting like your own shadow. Then, after a while it naturally starts to tone down a bit, entering a more enjoyable phase in which it still smells cheap, but at least it does it more smoothly and discreetly. Also, it smells progressively less citrusy and more woody-herbal-tea still with a whiff of orange and musk, and a general “fresh” feel. A bit more decent, still kind of loud and a bit cheap, however unworthy the first nightmare phase for me. Don’t bother.

5/10

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Contradiction for Men by Calvin Klein (1998)

For me, Contradiction for Men has always been one of the several epitomes of “insignificance in a bottle”. But the main flaw here is not even the uncreative dullness, which is still perfectly acceptable as not all audiences need creative stuff; rather the quite evident cheap quality of the fragrance itself. Not tragically cheap, but quite cheap for me. Basically this is a fresh, office/gym/club-safe citrus-woody-musk fragrance playing some modern chords on a traditional “eau de cologne” scheme, with a slight balminess and a painful similarity to a window detergent, sitting halfway smelling “almost pleasantly natural” and “annoyingly synthetic” – far enough from both qualities though, sitting in the exact nonsense middle between them. Neither an “avantgarde synthetic fragrance” (which may likely smell crap, but that would be post-modernly “ironic”), surely nor a particular true to life and natural one. Just exactly the worst type of mall/drugstore fragrance trying to emulate some sort of natural notes with really cheap materials. Which makes Contradiction almost a bit tacky, as it does not show even some slight sort of generic understated cleanliness. It is actually rather bold on the contrary; that would be a plus, if the smell was nice. And quality aside, the fragrance isn’t still worthy any attention for me, as I find this just plain dull and indistinguishable from dozens of others – likely better – lemon-woody-musk fragrances. Perfectly interchangeable with any of them, and chances are for the better. I am a big fan of designer fragrances so this is not really a matter of being mainstream, just plain negligible regardless of the label.

5/10

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La Nuit de l'Homme by Yves Saint Laurent (2009)

La nuit de who? This is la nuit de le 12 years old sipping a Diet Coke and smoking puff cigarettes. A disappointing, juvenile and cheap lavender-cardamom-woody-tobacco “club scent” smelling like YSL L’Homme layered with Declaration, Lanvin Avantgarde and/or Armani Code, inexplicably relating “night” with a bright, sweetish, teenish vibe. Lasting like a fart - which is good, though: the barely-perceivable drydown is almost enjoyable. If “ladies love this” then either I don’t understand a thing about women or we agree to disagree on the concept of “ladies”. Meh!

5/10

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Eau Parfumée au The Vert Extreme by Bvlgari (1996)

I am not familiar with the original edition of The Vert, which seems quite appreciated. All I know is that this Extreme version smells... this close to a nightmare, for me. I get a really little “tea” note out of this, but it’s entirely drowned in an unbearably plastic and harsh blend with coriander and cardamom above all, something citrusy, something synthetically greenish and a bunch of really pungent spices. And just other stuff I can’t recognize. This smells at the same time complex and really simple, harmonically screechy and completely disgraceful on skin. More than “notes”, it’s just olfactive noise, a weird and rough spicy-sweet-green-tea mess. I can’t explain why, maybe is just a subjective issue, but this really makes me physically sick. Tremendously bold and linear, and as if wasn’t enough, also tragically persistent. A proper “scrubber” for me.

4/10

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Paul Smith Man 2 by Paul Smith (2010)

Completely derivative but (barely) decent enough citrus-sandalwood-lavender Oriental fragrance ten years later on the trends. Smooth, soft, slightly “dark” and quite sweet, a bit powdery and mildly spicy (sweet, “round” notes of tonka and cardamom), reminding me of so many other fragrances I have a hard time staying focused on it. Trying to blend the crisp Oriental elegance of Declaration & friends, the “feminine” powderiness of Dior Homme & friends, and the “archetypal alpha male coworker” feel of Armani Code & friends. With echoes of Body Kouros too, and maybe Bulgari Man. The only note which doesn’t smell plastic is tonka. A bit juvenile and depressingly cheap but there’s worse around – anyway I think it’s discontinued, so nevermind (and don’t bother looking for it).


5/10

Retro galore: chypres, florals & other ladies' things

Ladies' things.

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Cristalle by Chanel (1974)

Cristalle opens with a delicate and slightly metallic herbal accord comprising several "organic" pungent and natural nuances (basil, mint, grassy notes), citrus notes, fresh and lively white flowers, dry resins, a really subtle vanilla-amber-woody base which provides a light, but at the same time elegant and Oriental warmth embracing the "freshness" of the scent. Honestly initially the oak moss is not that perceivable in my opinion, after a while the only thing I could link to it is a vague greenish-mossy note, humid and slightly dark, but without all the stale earthiness of oak moss. However I was surely not expecting a Puig's Quorum in drag, so no big deal. The name Cristalle perfectly fits this scent, which in fact has a "cristalline" personality, where crystal means transparency, freshness, angular cleanliness, almost an abstract architecture. Clean, understated and geometrical, elegant but somehow a bit anonym and pale (not in a good way: imagine the smell of a "faded" scent), plus with a really short longevity. Interesting, but nothing amazing to me.

7/10

***

Eau de Givenchy by Givenchy (1980)

Eau de Givenchy is a nice, pleasant, relaxed chypre which brilliantly manages to combine a fresh, minty, summery breeze, almost "iodine" in a way, with a denser, darker and stickier base line of notes more typically found in classic chypres – the usual musky/animalic mossy base, not particularly earthy or heavy here, but still carrying that kind of slightly skanky-sweaty smell. In the middle, a bouquet of flowers ranging from carnation to rose, then sandalwood, patchouli, perhaps vetiver. Shortly a classic Oriental chypre on the mossy-woody side with a remarkable fresh twist – halfway mineral and fruity, azure and refreshing, played not on calone but rather on a combination of balsamic, floral, fruity notes which delivers a colourful, fresh breath, slightly aqueous too. Totally refined, a kind of "weekend" relaxed elegance. Perfect elegant drydown (which despite the name "Eau de...", is quite long-lasting). A good one for sure!

8/10

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Chamade by Guerlain (1969)

Chamade (vintage mid-'80s bottle here) is a dark, powerful herbal chypre opening with a foggy, grey, masculine austerity all over: a bouquet of herbs, humid flowers, musky notes, a powdery side, a dry leather base. But most of all, herbs, like in a man's fougère. The reference here seems to be halfway classic chypres à la Guerlain or the (unfairly underrated) great Guy Laroche, and Cabochard or Habanita, that family of "bitchy", skanky feminine scents, although more refined and adorned here by a beautiful, impalpable cloud of lively, radiant, graceful hyacint-soapy talc notes which are not "on skin" but you can clearly smell them in the sillage (an "effect" I totally love). Basically a classic structure which recalls echoes of memorable chypres, with flowers, woods, herbs and resins, just fairly darker, greener, bitter, more ambiguously sensual and nastier, especially for the first hour or so, almost like a chypre for gentlemen if it wasn't for an overall subtle but perceivably soapy-talc softness and a dark, carnal but feminine sensuality running underneath the blend (aldehydes, flowers, vanilla, musky notes). Classy and compelling like "the great ones", perhaps a little less original as to me it smells pretty much a "déjà-vu" to most extents, but surely worth a try if you are a fan of the genre.

7,5-8/10

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L'arte di Gucci by Gucci (1991)

L'Arte di Gucci is a remarkable forgotten classic, a robust aldehydes-floral scent with carnation, geranium, benzoin, white flowers, sandalwood and vanilla, a dense juiciness and a luminous, pleasant and refined subtle carnality. Initially it's all – deceptively - about brightness, flowers and spring liveliness, rich and dense but tending more towards a soapy-powdery kind of denseness. After less than a hour, though, it then starts to evolve and change; a dark and austere base accord arises slowly like a stormy cloud, a powdery-waxy leather with salty and earthy notes of vetiver, discreet and understated but shady and animalic. The transition is great, perfectly executed; it's still a rich, romantic floral scent, just with a bolder darker shade below. I've rarely experienced such a smooth, mellow, effortless and refined change of mood in a scent, with the right among of consistence and "fil rouge" of notes from one stage to another. Rich, sophisticated, terrifically good-smelling.

8,5-9/10

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Vendetta by Valentino (1991)

Vendetta opens with a beautiful blend of juicy, plummy fruity-floral notes, dense and bright, with pleasant aromatic hints of bergamot and green notes on a soapy base of ylang, sandalwood, vanilla, a lively cloud of luminous sweetness and gentle flowers brilliantly blended with a shady, sticky and carnal side of benzoin and leather – initially hiding behind this deceptive overall sweet fruity-floral "plushiness". A balsamic-herbal breeze completes the landscape. A classic architecture embellished with a golden, luminous and radiant brightness which then progressively darkens towards a more austere and refined chypre territory. Simple, romantic, solid and classy.

8/10

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Casmir by Chopard (1992)

Casmir opens with a bag of fruits on sandalwood, vanilla, ylang, Oriental flavours of spices and cinnamon. Briefly, a sweet and creamy fruity bath soap, which however is restrained and complex enough to smell better than most of other scent of this genre. Despite smelling a bit like Fructis shampoo, in fact, Casmir reveals some more structured and intriguing nuances and a compelling deepness of notes: it's plummy, sweet and creamy, but in a sophisticated, mellow, decently-executed and polite way (in other words, it is no sickening teenagers' gourmand and does not smell too much artificial). Not a masterpiece for me, but in that disgraceful family – the "fruity-floral bombs" – surely among the nicest I've ever tried.

6,5/10

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Roma by Laura Biagiotti (1988)

The initial notes of Roma are quite on the sweet-creamy side; ylang, vanilla, a hint of fruits, a balsamic-resinous breeze (myrrh, apparently: basically an Oriental spicy-incense-resin smell like olibanum), a minty note, heliotrope, delicate and aromatic citrus notes, aldehydes, supported by an earthy-animalic velvety base, refined and understated, which gives just a tiny touch of "animalic" à la Jicky but quite soft and hiding like a shadow behind a cloud of silky spicy soapiness. As minutes pass it darkens becoming smokier and more resinous, the balsamic incense is now more prominent together with woods and patchouli, always surrounded by a sweet talc creaminess of ylang, flowers and sandalwood. So in short it's all about flowers, resins, woods, quite on the sweet-bright side despite some interesting darker corners. Undoubtedly a pleasant scent, simple, friendly and elegant (not that sophisticated, though), versatile and iconic – you smelled this everywhere some fifteen years ago in the streets of Italy. The drydown is dry and unexpectedly more greenish, almost grassy and a tad metallic. It may sound weird, but given the similarity of the notes, it almost resembles to Zino Davidoff or Guerlain Héritage's "blond sister". Good and easy-going.

7,5-8/10